I’ve decided to combine the words iPhone and porn in the headline to see exactly how many page views I’ll get. The same dingbats that used to flock to any PCMag story about porn seem to now flock, drooling, to any story about the iPhone. The iPhone and Apple in general have become porn!

Does anyone really give a crap whether or not the iPhone 5 has a metal back? Why fret about it now instead of waiting for it to be announced? Even after it’s announced, is it something worth writing about and wringing your hands over? The answer is, apparently, yes.

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Now we hearing rumors that the iPhone will have NFC. So what? That’s a technology nobody needs. Sure, it sounds cool that you could swipe your phone over a card reader instead of actually using a credit card, but how long will it take before that is hacked, and you are completely ripped off by a passer-by? My guess: not long.

With everyone and their sister in the tech community returning with breathless and cheerleading reviews of the marginal products shown at SXSW, will they be able to catch their breath when they read all golly-gee-whiz stories about all the iPhone rumors? I’m guessing they will be winded.

Does anyone have a critical eye about any of this? Everyone is praising the possibility that the iPhone 5 could have a metal rather than a glass back, but why isn’t anyone pointing out the utter stupidity of making an all glass phone in the first place?

A sane observer needs to come out and say it: These phones should be designed to be dropped. To be more specific, they should be designed to be dropped and NOT end up in shards.

One of the problems with writing anything critical about Apple, of course, is that the Apple demons arrive from Cupertino (or Hell, choose one) to ridicule the commentary. They can’t seem to resist this activity, and I wonder how many actually work for Apple. (Think about that assertion over the weekend).

These commenters are solely responsible for the huge number of page views any critical article about an Apple product manages to garner. Many of the page views are the result of the same people reading the article over and over, returning to it to see if there was something else wrong with it, so they could further complain.

There should be a special Web site where these logicians can write their own damn columns. It’s also annoying to have a reader call me a troll that’s dragging a net along the bottom of the ocean to haul in a lot of little fish. What does that say about them? Troll? Winning. Duh!

About now, I would suggest the same thing the Apple mavens always do. They frequently say, “Stop reading and commenting on these articles and they will go away.” Curiously, this is true. If it wasn’t for the outrageously insecure Apple fanboys reading everything they can about Apple products in a vain effort to justify their purchases, nobody would say anything bad about Apple. If they were like Broadway actors who prefer to ignore the reviews and simply not read them, then the review would have less impact and, in the case of tech reviews, might fade.

But, no, they flock by the millions, like starlings guided by some mysterious musical conductor, playing them like a fiddle.

Meanwhile, why does anyone read articles about porn? Is it ever a fascinating discussion? This phenomenon has baffled me more deeply than the Apple fanboy phenomenon. In the case of today’s headline, perhaps someone will think it is about getting porn on the iPhone5, as if there aren’t a near-infinite number of porn sites on the Web already that can all be viewed on the iPhone.

The fact is I have no idea what the attraction is for either of these topics, and I’m now begging the readers to tell me. Seriously, someone must actually know. Right?